Coming in second

I came to grips some time ago with the fact that my career is not what I once imagined it would be.  I also admitted to myself that I am not particularly ambitious, at least in the traditional sense.  So it came as a great surprise to me that tears sprang spontaneously from my eye region the other day when I heard I did not get a certain job I had applied for.

You see, I love working where I do.  I love this organization.  I love the benefits, the people, the mission, the proximity to my home, and the comfort of the culture.  So when I saw a job open up within the organization that seemed literally tailored to my education and skills, I was delighted.  I applied, and interviewed.  And interviewed again.  I dared to dream, for it seemed like they liked me, they really liked me.  Plus, I couldn't think of another person in house who could be nearly as qualified for this thing as I.  They simply *had* to hire me.

The money was significantly better, the hours were still good, the hiring manager is delightful, and everything seemed to fit.

Until they picked someone else.

I don't know who they picked.  I think it will help me when I do find out.  The director said it was a "toss up", but they thought this person was a better fit for them.  I don't know what that means. I can't imagine who is as qualified as I am, and would want that particular job.

I hope it's someone amazing, with obvious experience or education that clearly sets him or her apart from me.  If it isn't, I'm going struggle.  Because then it's *me*.  Then it's something *I* did wrong in the interview.

This is the third job in the last year that I've been the second choice for.  I am not accustomed to being second.  I'm Megan, and I like to go first.

Interviewing for jobs is like an exercise in self-flogging.  It beats you up from the outside in.  Eventually, it is tempting to give up.  To see yourself as number 2.  To accept that you'll just have to settle.

I'm trying not to go there quite yet.  I'm trying to tell myself that maybe this wasn't *the* job for me anyway. Maybe I need to be holding out for a permanent writing gig.  Possibly none of these jobs have fit because, after all, it truly wasn't a good fit.  Maybe these hiring managers know what they're doing.  And it's best for all of us.  Maybe.