Thursday, August 25, 2011

Women. ADD. Me. Argh.

Some days, I just want to take forty Xanax and say "night night."

It's my own fault. I'm a classic overscheduler.


But, in the midst of my overscheduled ass's project du jour, I sometimes get a tad overwhelmed. You know, just a little, the way an ant might feel overwhelmed by my foot.

Sometimes, when I stop for a breather, like when I'm going pee for the second time that day at 8:30 pm, I like to contemplate the life of women. You know, for just a little self-flaggelation.

And this isn't to be exclusionary of the jobs of men, it's just, I'm not a man, so it's hard to contemplate that.

Here are the things I feel I *should* be doing on a regular basis. Not that I *am* doing these things, but I feel constantly that I *should* and I really really want to. Or at least, sometimes I want to be the girl that does all this stuff. And sometimes I want to give those girls the finger and go take 40 Xanax.

I should:

  • Work my regular job, and be an A PLUS employee, never late, never sick, never distracted or behind on my work.
  • Work my second job, wherein I write food columns, and be the best at that too.  You know, take better pictures, cook inventive things, be witty and on time and all around fabulous.
  • Be a good wife.  Be thoughtful of my husband and anticipate his needs, and remember to pick up deodorant for him before he runs out.
  • Cook dinner for my family. And nothing frozen or reheated.
  • Budget.  Make sure the family's finances are always in check.  Do not overspend.
  • Use coupons.  Search the ads, find the deals.
  • Buy local foods.  This means going to the farmer's market as well as the grocery store more than once a week. (Heck, more than once a month which is my current standard.)
  • Plan menus. Make sure every week's menus are well-rounded and complete, as well as full of ingredients purchased with coupons and/or locally.
  • Organize.   Buy baskets for things so they'll be organized and put labels on them made on my computer in a cute font with scalloped edges.  A place for everything, and make sure everyone else knows those places so the can put the scissors back where they go.
  • Clean.  Mop floors, wipe countertops, clean the spot where the baby eats every time.  Care for your home, make sure things smell good, empty the trash before it starts to overflow.
  • Windex the glass doors.  Don't forget this.
  • Plant flowers, water them and don't let them die.
  • Decorate.  And don't just go to JC Penney and buy the whole set and the display art.  Choose interesting things.  Shop with a critical eye for special art.  Make things by hand.  Coordinate but don't match.  Sew curtains.  Learn to sew.  Paint walls but don't overdo it.
  • Get regular haircuts.
  • Do your hair in the morning instead of wearing a ponytail.
  • Get facials, and wear just the right makeup, applied in good light, before you get to work.
  • Have a skincare regimen morning and night.  No wrinkles!
  • Shave legs every day.
  • Eat breakfast.  Something healthy.  Not a Diet Coke and a piece of bacon.
  • Pack your lunch - it's cheaper and more healthy than going out.  Add lunch stuff to above grocery shopping.
  • Have your nails and toes done every two weeks so you don't look homeless.
  • Get waxed.
  • Work out, at least three times a week.  Kick your own ass.  Look good doing it.
  • Make your bed.  
  • Wash sheets once a week.
  • Take care of extended family.  Remember to call often and tell them you love them.  Don't forget their birthdays. Make it all special.
  • Be there for your friends.  Don't get wrapped up in your own business and forget their business.  Remember to ask them how their recent vacation went and seem interested in the pictures.
  • Plan events.  Birthday parties, father's day, summer solstice, plan it all.
  • Don't miss events.  Your friends will think it's rude if you don't go to their parties.
  • Bring a good dish with you.  When you go to said parties.  Local, inventive, budget, beautiful.
  • OH WAIT.  AND PARENT.  DON'T FORGET YOUR KID.  Pick the right daycare, make him look  adorable every day.  Don't let him watch too much tv.  Get the right educational books and toys.  Play with him.  Feed him fruits and veggies, no pesticides, no plastic (it leeches).  Feel guilty when you go to the gym and miss an evening with him, but go to the gym anyway, because it's on the list of Important Things.
  • Have a garden.  It's sustainable.
  • Look sharp, never like a shlumpadinka.  Go shopping for some better clothes.  Don't wear the pants with the bleach stain on them anymore.
  • Get regular checkups for you and the kid.
  • Don't forget to refill the prescriptions.  On time.
  • Do cultural things.  Art, theater, demolition derbies.
  • Don't be cranky.  Pick up toys with a smile on your face.
  • Volunteer.  Give back to the community.
  • Be involved in your kid's school or daycare.  Work in the classroom, go to the fundraiser.
  • Take treats on Valentine's Day, and don't forget little cardboard Valetines for all the kids, even if they're only 1.
  • Always be looking for a better, more powerful job.  You  need to grow in your career.
  • Invest.  Learn about investing.  Think about investing, be scared of investing but do it anyway.  Have a financial advisor, whatever that is.
  • Be political.  Know what's going on both locally and federally.  It's your life, anyway.
  • Recycle.  Take care of the environment.  Don't waste.  Sort.
"It only takes a couple of minutes a day."  I love that line. I hear it all the time.  But how many "couple minute" jobs can I A) remember to do and B) Have time for in the four hours between getting off work and going to bed?  I work 50 hours a week.  I have a toddler.  If my doors don't sparkle, so be it.  


It's a wonder we don't all go insane.


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