Sunday, March 19, 2017

Wherein I complain vocally and pathetically.

I can go ahead and do here what I know will be called by some as sexist, because this is my space and for a hot second I will, unchecked, say what I want.

I will also succumb to my somewhat balanced self and give a disclaimer: maybe there are men out there who do and think the things I am going to outline below, but I don't know any. I know good men, no doubt. But I know zero men who feel compelled to listen to, feel guilty about, or participate in the things that I am talking about here. The good men I know might do ONE of these things. TWO max. But they do not let their heads spin with all this garbage because they GIVE ZERO FUCKS about most of it BECAUSE THEY DO NOT HAVE TO. And they are not called to.

Here is what it feels like to be me. To look at myself, take in media, talk to friends, think about my mother, my past, my future, my kids, and the world-at-large:

My inner monologue is this:


But there's so much to do.

I should be doing yoga and taking up running. Lose weight. Better health. Get centered. Know your body. Live longer and set a good example for the children.

Cook healthier dinners. Reduce the carbs, salt, processed, gluteny foods.

Shop at the farmer's market even though it's an extra much less convenient more time consuming stop twice a week on top of the regular store.

Keep your wardrobe updated and flattering. Shop diligently for appropriate but comfortable footwear that will not ruin your already rubbish feet.

Have a skin care process you practice every day.

Curl your hair.

Mop, vacuum, clean up dust.

Buy tasteful and current things to decorate your home so that you look like you live in a magazine but cooler because it's you. Have a point of view about decor, whatever that is.

Teach your kids to read when they're 3 and also be sure they know about YOUR favorite music. Make sure they look like they go to J Crew Preschool and that they don't want too much tv and be sure to tell your friends about all the activities they do and how creative they are.

Pack bento boxes for their fucking lunches.

Be sexy.

Don't let your car be dirty.

Be a good friend, neighbor, daughter, sister, and co worker. Be sure to care for EVERYONE'S general welfare and emotional needs and don't be a bitch even when you're sick or under water.

Learn what the fuck Cross Fit is. Reject it. Go for regular walks.

Be a good listener. Know how to bake bread. Keep a budget spreadsheet. Buy your kids all the things they need and some they want but don't spend any money on yourself.

Read important books.

Be updated on politics but don't be too loud about it. It's annoying to others.

Volunteer your time.

Give away your talents for free.

Don't be negative or complain.

Have a pleasant countenance, watch your resting bitch face.

And you guys, this is all POST feminist revolution. THIS IS THE IMPROVED SITUATION.

We gotta do better.


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